NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES

The following policies will be implemented within the next 24 hours:

Dress Code:

You will come to work dressed according to your salary:

1. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume
that you are doing well financially and do not need a raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do
not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
1. Every effort should be make to have non-employees attend the funeral
arrangements.
2. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled during the late afternoon.
3. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a three minute time limit in the stalls

1. At the end of three minutes, an alarm sill sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
2. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category.
3. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch breaks

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meals to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.


THE MANAGEMENT

We, the willing,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful.
We have done so much for so long with so little,
that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.