LITTLE KITTY

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.



DEPRESSION

I was depressed last night so I call Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.



COME BACK KID

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


CHOICES

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


TURKEYS

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkey get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

DEER MEAT

A hunter bags a deer and takes it home to feed his family.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometime."

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it Bobby, it's an asshole!"


JUST ONE COMPLIMENT

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID

"I WISH SOMEONE WOULD INVENT SOMETHING TO KEEP THE SUN OUT OF MY EYES"