HISTORY OF ST. PATRICK'S DAY

St Patrick's Day is celebrated on March 17th in commemoration of that historical figure's act of driving the Norwegians out of Ireland

It seems that centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winters. Ireland was having a famine at the time and food was very scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the sea, leaving the Irish with nothing but potatoes.

St Patrick, taking things into his own hands, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly he organized the IRATRION (Irish Republic Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION sabotaged all the power plants in hopes the fish the Norwegians kept in refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate where their fish would keep. The fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows, thrive on spoiled fish. Faced with failure, the Irish sneaked into the Norwegians fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders but, miraculously, the Norwegians thrived on this newconcoction and dubbed the smelly lye-soaked fish "Lutefisk". Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making lefse.

Poor St Patrick was at his wits end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told the Norwegians to go to Hell and it worked. All the Norwegians left Ireland and moved to Minnesota.

BAPTISM

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?" "Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now Baptized!"

" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?" The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, ... because they pour the water on You. We're not Babtis, .. because they dunk all of You in the water. We're not Methdiss, ... because they just sprinkle water on You." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians!"

MAXINE

WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

LIVING RIGHT

Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day.
Go for a swim.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc...
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life if you can. Get plenty of rest.

Or... Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So...
I walk to the liquor store... (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona... (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary... (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio... (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh... (eliminate stress)
Then pass out... (rest)

The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

OOPS

OFF THE MARK