Wednesday, February 27, 2008
A son comes home from college
A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”
“But what, son?” asks the father.
“She’s a virgin.”
The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”
“But what, son?” asks the father.
“She’s a virgin.”
The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”
Good to be the King
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.
"What is it?" sighs the president.
"It’s this abortion bill. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Go ahead and pay it," says the president.
"What is it?" sighs the president.
"It’s this abortion bill. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Go ahead and pay it," says the president.
A man walks into a drug store
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house."
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house."
Monday, February 25, 2008
SLASHING THE BUDGET
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.
"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.
"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.
"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
FATAL ATTRACTION
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
GREAT TIME TO BE SILVER
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"
"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"
"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"
Sunday, February 24, 2008
NEW TECHNIQUE
Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."
"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."
THREE BLONDES
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
GIVE AND TAKE
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Thursday, February 21, 2008
THE VOICE
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17. "Now watch," says the voice.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "SHIT."
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17. "Now watch," says the voice.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "SHIT."
A BUM ASKS A MAN FOR TWO DOLLARS
A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?" The bum says no.The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says no.Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"
LAST O.J. JOKE
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"
"It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far…ten gallons."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"
"It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far…ten gallons."
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
IN THE BEGINNING
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.“I’m not aware of the nature of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps you should start at the very beginning.”
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth."
DOGGIE HEAVEN
Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
POWER OF DEDUCTION
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Monday, February 18, 2008
A GUY VISITS HIS DOCTOR
A guy visits his doctor complaining of uncontrollable flatulence. The doc tells him to undress and leaves the room. Moments later he returns, carrying a long stick with a hook on the end.
“Oh, God!” says the guy in terror. “What are you going to do with that?”
“I’m going to open a window,” the doctor replies. “It stinks in here.”
“Oh, God!” says the guy in terror. “What are you going to do with that?”
“I’m going to open a window,” the doctor replies. “It stinks in here.”
COUNTRY WAY
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."
"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."
WISHFUL THINKING
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"
Sunday, February 17, 2008
HIRE EDUCATION
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."
"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?"
The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."
"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?"
The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."
BOTTLE BOND
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
BIRTHING COACH
Birthing coach: "All you mommies-to-be should know that walking while you’re pregnant is very beneficial. And you husbands, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partners."
One husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"
One husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"
DIVINE INTERVENTION
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"
Saturday, February 16, 2008
DOCTOR LOVE
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
DEFINITIONS
stuff happens interj. Slang. - Donald Rumsfeld as master historian
voter fraud n. - A significant minority turnout
Wal-Mart n.- The nation-state, future tense
water n. - Arsenic storage device
woman n. - 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place
voter fraud n. - A significant minority turnout
Wal-Mart n.- The nation-state, future tense
water n. - Arsenic storage device
woman n. - 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place
TWELVE AND A CHASER
A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.
As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."
"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.
"Well, what is it you have?"
The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."
As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."
"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.
"Well, what is it you have?"
The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."
ABSTAIN REMOVER
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
Friday, February 15, 2008
MAN AND A WOMAN ON A PLANE
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?”
“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”
The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.”
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?”
“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”
The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.”
DEFINITIONS
Patriot Act n. - 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us
pro-life adj. - Valuing human life up until birth
Senate n. - Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million
simplify v. - To cut the taxes of Republican donors
staying the course interj. Slang. - Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result
pro-life adj. - Valuing human life up until birth
Senate n. - Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million
simplify v. - To cut the taxes of Republican donors
staying the course interj. Slang. - Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result
BLONDE ICE FISHING
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappacino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away clear down o the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried to cut a hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappacino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away clear down o the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried to cut a hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A SEAMAN MEETS A PIRATE IN A BAR
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
LAST REQUESTS
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. He says, So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, " Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he hae any last requests?"
She says, "That he did Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask?"
She says, "He said 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun.'"
She says, " Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he hae any last requests?"
She says, "That he did Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask?"
She says, "He said 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun.'"
TWO DRUNKS
Two drunks were sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
Pete replied. "Yep. I was married to one for 15 years."
Pete replied. "Yep. I was married to one for 15 years."
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
THREE PSYCHIATRISTS TAKE A WALK
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," One says, "But we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt. So I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, " I know it's wrong, But I have to admit, my problem is, no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt. So I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, " I know it's wrong, But I have to admit, my problem is, no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
MORE DEFINITIONS
Miller, Zell n. - The man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton after a particularly tough interview on Hardball
neoconservatives n. - Nerds with Napoleonic complexes
9/11 n. - Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated (See Deficit, Iraq War)
No Child Left Behind riff. - 1. v. There are always jobs in the military . 2. n. The rapture
ownership society - n. - A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth
neoconservatives n. - Nerds with Napoleonic complexes
9/11 n. - Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated (See Deficit, Iraq War)
No Child Left Behind riff. - 1. v. There are always jobs in the military . 2. n. The rapture
ownership society - n. - A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth
A man came home from work
A man came home from work one night. The wife and him have been having some problems. He goes in the house and in his room and sees his wife packing clothes. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "This marriage is over. I can go to Vegas and get $400 a pop for what I've been giving you for nothin."
Immediately the man started packing up his clothes. Surprised, his wife asked him where he was going and he said, "I'm followin you to Vegas and watching you live on $800 bucks a freakin year.!!!!"
Immediately the man started packing up his clothes. Surprised, his wife asked him where he was going and he said, "I'm followin you to Vegas and watching you live on $800 bucks a freakin year.!!!!"
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
DEAREST WIFE
Thisguy decided that for his yearly vacation that he and his wife would leave the cold streets of Chicago and go to florida. He decided that he would leave first, then, meet his wife there. When he arrived and made sure everything was in order, he sent a e-mail to his wife.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed awayonly the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound her family rushed into the room and saw the note on the screen:
Dearest Wife:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed awayonly the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound her family rushed into the room and saw the note on the screen:
Dearest Wife:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
MORE DEFINITIONS
honesty n. - Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march"
House of Representatives n. - Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate)
laziness n. - When the poor are not working
leisure time n. - When the wealthy are not working
liberal(s) n. - Followers of the Antichrist
House of Representatives n. - Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate)
laziness n. - When the poor are not working
leisure time n. - When the wealthy are not working
liberal(s) n. - Followers of the Antichrist
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