Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
PART 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow snot-rockets on the wall of the shower.
Let the shower fill your mouth up with water then spit on the boogers to wash them down the drain. If they don't wash away, then they are now a decoration.
Fart and laugh at h ow loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs! stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!
Oh, and....woo woo!!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
PURINA DOG FOOD
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually a clear sign of a bad memory.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually a clear sign of a bad memory.
LITTLE HOUSE BEHIND THE BIG HOUSE
One of my fondest memories
As I recall the days of yore
Was the little house, behind the house,
With the crescent o'er the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head all bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.
Ours was a multi-holer, three,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your job was done.
You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog--
To that little house where you usually
Found the Sears catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter,
The seat was spread with snow.
Twas then with much reluctance,
To that little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth
As you settled on your rear.
I recall the day Ol' Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip out to that little house
Which proved to be a bummer.
'Twas the same day that my Dad had
Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made
With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags down in the hole
Went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so
He'd eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Stays in my memory yet.
He sat down on the wooden seat,
With both feet on the floor.
He filled his pipe and tapped it down
And struck a match on the outhouse door.
He lit the pipe and sure enough,
It soon began to glow.
He slowly raised his rear a bit
And tossed the flaming match below.
The Blast that followed, I am told
Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad
Sprawled out there on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth,
His eyes were shut real tight; T
he celebrated three-holer
Was blown clear out of sight.
We asked him what had happened,
What he said I'll ne'er forget.
He said he thought it must have been
The pinto beans he et!
Next day we had a new one
Dad put it up with ease.
But this one had a door sign
That read: No Smoking, Please
Now that's the story's end my friend,
Of memories long ago,
When we went to the house behind the house,
Because we had to go.
For those who never had to trot out in the
Cold.....Just Give Thanks!!!
As I recall the days of yore
Was the little house, behind the house,
With the crescent o'er the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head all bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.
Ours was a multi-holer, three,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your job was done.
You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog--
To that little house where you usually
Found the Sears catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter,
The seat was spread with snow.
Twas then with much reluctance,
To that little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth
As you settled on your rear.
I recall the day Ol' Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip out to that little house
Which proved to be a bummer.
'Twas the same day that my Dad had
Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made
With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags down in the hole
Went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so
He'd eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Stays in my memory yet.
He sat down on the wooden seat,
With both feet on the floor.
He filled his pipe and tapped it down
And struck a match on the outhouse door.
He lit the pipe and sure enough,
It soon began to glow.
He slowly raised his rear a bit
And tossed the flaming match below.
The Blast that followed, I am told
Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad
Sprawled out there on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth,
His eyes were shut real tight; T
he celebrated three-holer
Was blown clear out of sight.
We asked him what had happened,
What he said I'll ne'er forget.
He said he thought it must have been
The pinto beans he et!
Next day we had a new one
Dad put it up with ease.
But this one had a door sign
That read: No Smoking, Please
Now that's the story's end my friend,
Of memories long ago,
When we went to the house behind the house,
Because we had to go.
For those who never had to trot out in the
Cold.....Just Give Thanks!!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
OLE HAD AN ACCIDENT
Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving don the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said,'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Iowa Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answerthe question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer,'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highva ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right n da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident a Iowa Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'.'After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun an shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still n hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?''
'Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving don the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said,'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Iowa Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answerthe question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer,'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highva ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right n da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident a Iowa Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'.'After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun an shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still n hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?''
'Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'
Monday, January 28, 2008
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
What do you believe in?
Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush were in an airplane that crashed. They're in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Gore replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says, "OK, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Clinton replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses George. "George, what do you believe in?"
Bush replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Gore replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says, "OK, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Clinton replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses George. "George, what do you believe in?"
Bush replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
Sunday, January 27, 2008
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
CHILD CUSTODY CASE
A seven year old boy Denver, CO boy was at the center of attention of a Denver courtroom drama on Friday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to The Denver Broncos, whom the boy believes are not capable of beating anyone.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to The Denver Broncos, whom the boy believes are not capable of beating anyone.
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mine, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mine, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
MISDIAGNOSIS
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong too...
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong too...
WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays of now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays of now.
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