Yikes

Happy Labor Day

Right Wing Reasoning

Apology Not Accepted

How Many?

No It's Not The Back of My Head

Old Squirrel

Little Boy at the Bank

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busylunchtime.They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit completewith pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, Gee, she's fat!"The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands asfar as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.Just then her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

Political Laughs

"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman

"Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno

"Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien

Three Women in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN , TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE,SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

CDC Warns About New Disease

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued awarning about a new, virulent strain of Sexually TransmittedDisease. The disease can be contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim" and is pronounced "gonna re-elect'im."

Many victims contracted this disease in November of 2004after having been screwed for the previous four years by the Bush Administration.

Individuals infected display the following symptoms:anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to deal with new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibilityfor own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, a tendency for evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing
behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how thisdestructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush grown in Texas.

FRIENDS

The Cowboy WAy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, But knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.She quietly called him over to her."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed."Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots."Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light."Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever borrow my clothes again without asking, you're fired!"

Thanx again Beth!

Visit to the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? "Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response."Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Thanx to Beth for this one!