LITTLE KITTY
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
DEPRESSION
I was depressed last night so I call Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
COME BACK KID
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
CHOICES
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
TURKEYS
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkey get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
DEER MEAT
A hunter bags a deer and takes it home to feed his family.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometime."
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it Bobby, it's an asshole!"
JUST ONE COMPLIMENT
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
A hunter bags a deer and takes it home to feed his family.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometime."
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it Bobby, it's an asshole!"
JUST ONE COMPLIMENT
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Good bye to mother
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Dog Watch
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
Jesus and the robber
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.
The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.
The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
Monday, May 12, 2008
Cremate Me
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""
And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
Beautiful
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Circumcision
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Sunday, May 11, 2008
State of the Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)