DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT: funny jokes, pics, stories and links

2009-09-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

LITTLE KITTY

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

DEPRESSION

I was depressed last night so I call Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

COME BACK KID

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

CHOICES

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

TURKEYS

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkey get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

2009-09-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

DEER MEAT

A hunter bags a deer and takes it home to feed his family.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometime."

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it Bobby, it's an asshole!"

JUST ONE COMPLIMENT

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID

2009-09-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

"I WISH SOMEONE WOULD INVENT SOMETHING TO KEEP THE SUN OUT OF MY EYES"

Priceless

2008-05-14T14:46:00.001-07:00

Good bye to mother

2008-05-14T14:43:00.002-07:00

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

The power

2008-05-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

Dog Watch

2008-05-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

Shark cat

2008-05-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

Jesus and the robber

2008-05-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.

The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

Border Security

2008-05-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

Baby Party

2008-05-12T14:28:00.001-07:00

Cremate Me

2008-05-12T14:26:00.002-07:00

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""

And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Baby Burger

2008-05-12T14:26:00.001-07:00

Beautiful

2008-05-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Honest politician

2008-05-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

Circumcision

2008-05-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

The other says, "Circumcision."

The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

ACDC

2008-05-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry Kids

2008-05-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

State of the Art Watch

2008-05-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Einstein

2008-05-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

Pirate's Misfortunes

2008-05-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Tankoceris

2008-05-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

Stages of Drunkeness

2008-05-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Truth in advertising

2008-05-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Agony Aunt

2008-05-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

Real fish story

2008-05-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today's Special

2008-05-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Women Quotes

2008-05-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler

It's all our fault

2008-05-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

Work Quotes

2008-05-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

Intense

2008-05-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

Writer's Quotes

2008-05-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

South Dakota ranks

2008-05-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

OOPS

2008-05-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

FEEL BETTER

2008-05-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

GONE WITH THE WIND

2008-05-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE BROKE

2008-05-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

DRIVE-IN CHINEES

2008-05-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

CLEVER TEACHER

2008-05-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

HANG ON IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE

2008-05-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

Image

2008-04-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Taking it with you

2008-04-30T13:48:00.001-07:00

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

You thought Damocles had it bad

2008-04-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

Terminology

2008-04-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

Important Legal Terminology

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

Hers and his

2008-04-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

Testifying

2008-04-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

How true

2008-04-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Ready for the flood

2008-04-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

Second Opinion

2008-04-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

Vodka Presidents

2008-04-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

Slide under the table

2008-04-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

Should have seen the big one!

2008-04-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

Fisherman's tale

2008-04-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Eat Chicken

2008-04-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Redneck hot tub

2008-04-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

It's the way you say it

2008-04-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

It's the way you say it...A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question."Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"

Redneck mansion

2008-04-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Eucalyptus

2008-04-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.

"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

Two birds, One stone

2008-04-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

Getting the story straight

2008-04-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.""

Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

Powerful shot

2008-04-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sign from God

2008-04-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

New York Times Ad

2008-04-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything

Anyone can be a flamingo

2008-04-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

New Women's Study

2008-04-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Tough Customer

2008-04-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

New Relationship Book

2008-04-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.

It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown

Topless chick

2008-04-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

AAAACCHHOOO

2008-04-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

Chapter Eleven

2008-04-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Please! Somebody?

2008-04-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

CelebRate

2008-04-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!"

Don't worry

2008-04-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

Biblical Bumper Stickers

2008-04-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

Adam: "You are what you eat."

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

Preoccupied

2008-04-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome home

2008-04-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

Rules

2008-04-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

Revised ballot

2008-04-25T14:03:00.001-07:00

Male Assertiveness

2008-04-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Sign

2008-04-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Spaghetti

2008-04-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

We all have those days

2008-04-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

Nobody

2008-04-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

Cannibals

2008-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

Point counterpoint

2008-04-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

top ten tips to know if you have PMS

2008-04-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Alcohol Impairs Your Judgement

2008-04-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

The carburettor

2008-04-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

Perfect date

2008-04-24T14:12:00.001-07:00

God quotes

2008-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.
Arthur C. Clarke

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
Friedrich Nietzsche

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter OToole

Don't bother me

2008-04-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

Children quotes

2008-04-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Now, that's a real go-cart

2008-04-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

Age quotes

2008-04-22T15:49:00.002-07:00

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

It hurts

2008-04-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

Customer support

2008-04-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Faith healer

2008-04-21T15:15:00.000-07:00

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders."I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and Iwent to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Killer rabbit

2008-04-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

Stuttering problem

2008-04-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

No you can't

2008-04-21T15:11:00.001-07:00